The Good Old Days?

The husband is heading to some Rice Homecoming gatherings this weekend. Maybe he’ll run into old friends, but I think he’s really going in hopes of scoring some St. Arnold’s Centenni-ale, brewed to commemorate Rice’s 100 years as an institute of higher learning.

Yes, my college years were some great years. But I can think of three things that I hope to never do again that are integral to college life.

  1. Take a course that is graded.
  2. Date.
  3. Look for a job.

So I do feel some sympathy for Daughter#2, working hard at all of the above. Thought I’d share the cover letter that she’d really, really, really like to send. Even tho all of you will now know that I am not the person in this family that should be blogging. Her name and contact info have been removed to prevent all those people who google her after seeing the starbucks rap from accidently finding my blog.

October  31, 2011

Human  Resources
Any  Company Willing to Hire Me

To  Whom It May Concern:

My name is  xxx. I am a senior archaeology major at  Washington University in Saint Louis, graduating this December 2011. I would like to apply for a job.

Now you may read “archaeology major” and wonder what I’m doing applying for a job like this and how my abilities to reclaim artifacts from Nazis and dig up dinosaurs is relevant in the financial sector. For the record, there’s more to archaeology than all that. We also have to sort through artifacts, collect data, do research, and publish our results. The data analysis is the important thing. It’s all about looking for patterns and finding the useful information hidden in thousands of tiny pieces of ceramics, rocks, and bone. This means I’m patient and willing to work hard, sifting through the information. There is also an “ology” at the end of “archaeology” which makes it science. This means I am technically a scientist, which means I’m smart and can be taught anything. Also archaeology just sounds cool. Why hire an English or Accounting major when you can have a real live archaeologist on your team?

If you look at my resume you will notice that most of my past jobs have been at summer camps or the resort equivalent of one. This means I have a low standards for ideal working conditions. Working anything less than 15 hours a day is preferred but I will do more provided someone takes me to Sonic afterwards. Also your website implies that I would be working inside, presumably with air conditioning. That’s pretty much all I need to be a positive vote in overall workplace morale. Working with children has also  taught me valuable skills, especially now that Fear Factor is back on the air, and who doesn’t want their company represented on Fear Factor. Are any of your other analysts this awesome? I can eat live grasshoppers and am not afraid to jump off of high things. I also cannot sink. Bored lifeguards who wanted to see if I would drown or their shifts would be over first have tested this. As I am writing this, it means I clearly did not drown, despite their best efforts for about an hour and 15 minutes. My buoyancy is also reflected in my attitude. Very little gets me down. A notable exception is my current unemployment, but you could help with that.

Like the rest of my generation, I know how to use computers and my general laziness has led me to learn all the shortcuts and tricks to make my life easier when dealing with Microsoft Office. I am always willing to learn more. I went to Washington University in Saint Louis. I took calculus III just for fun. Really, you can train me to do anything and it won’t take long.

Unlike most of the rest of my generation, I have a small following on YouTube. You’re going to find this if you google me anyways so its much easier to come clean now. I am the girl who wrote and originally preformed in the “Starbucks Rap”. I am rather proud of this achievement. Last time I checked I had over 2 million views. Not bad for a suburban white girl.

Thank you for your time and for the Love of God please hire me. I can be reached at xxx. Thank you again for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely, xxx

I’d hire her in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you? If you happen to know of any company in St. Louis or elsewhere in the midwest that hires archaeology majors, let me know and I’ll pass the word along to her.

She’s on her own with the grades and the dating though.

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